WINNING OVER THE FEARS...!

 Monday 9:30 AM

I am fully prepared to attend my first interview of "XYZ" MNC came to campus. White shirts, black pant, tie, folder, there is a huge crowd of students in the placement cell.
People are discussing: total 4 rounds, technical, aptitude, GD then personal interview.
Some were very excited to about the company, 6 lac CTC at the time of joining, some were serious.

I sat on the chair along with 100 students. A huge crowd for 2-3 selection. Is not it?
I am nervous too. Winter and I am sweating. My leg were trembling inside my trouser.
Why?
Is this job so important to me?
Yes! It is!
Perhaps I am taking too much tension!

I tried to calm myself.

1st round results:
I have cleared.

2nd round results:
I have cleared it also.

3rd round result:
Whoa..! I have won.

Now success was one step ahead to me. I was on the list of finalist with 8 other students.

My name was called and I entered in the interview hall of placement cell. 6 people in a row and I sat in front of them. Seeing the Vice president of the company, who I haven't seen till the moment today was a surprise. And they started firing questions one by one.
I felt shiver and hotness both inside my body.
And I felt like running outside at once. 
I was unable to give reply.
As if I was not able to speak, in spite of answers I knew.

10 minutes seemed to me as 10 years.
I came back, and result was out. I was not selected obviously.

I returned to my room and lie to my room and tried to analyse, what went wrong.
I have fears of interview, in spite of being topped in technical 1st round, I failed in personal interview section. Some thing was seriously wrong.

FEAR!
FEAR OF FAILURE....!
FEAR OF PERSONAL INTERVIEW....!


AND I HAVE TO OVERCOME IT. I HAVE TO WIN OVER IT.

I HAVE TO RISE ABOVE MY FEARS...!

Everybody has fears....and they haunt them, may be they seem very little to others, but for that person, ask him, and he will tell.

I decided to win....!
i slept on the bed.
And took a deep breath. And tried to sleep.

-----------------------------------

30 days have passed. 10 more company has come to our campus. But i haven't sat for any of them. Average CTC and my dream company is scheduled to come after 10 days.
My batch mates and close friends have tried to warn me not to miss any opportunities of  other companies, but i have decided, i will win on my D-Day.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally waiting is over.

My dream company is in campus. And as usual other rounds i have cleared well.
Now personal interview.

I HAVE TO WIN.

I HAVE TO RISE.
I HAVE TO SHINE.
I HAVE TO SHED MY ANXITIES.
I HAVE TO WIN OVER MY FEARS.

Still I haven't told anybody about my past interview experience. I knew, people are more interested to laugh than to help.

I called my roommate, my best friend. And I told him about fears.
He is angry, not to telling him earlier.
There was 2 hour time still to start the interview.
We came outside the placement cell.
And to the old canteen, which is far from our placement cell.
There was no any of our batch mates. Only 2-3, 1st year’s students, as it is nearer to their classroom. And they were busy in attending class. We sat on the table near the tree.
He ordered two coffee.
And we chat.
We chat about our 1st interaction in the college.
We chat about our 1st ragging or interaction with seniors.
We chat about sharing our crush on the same b'ful girl, still we didn't have a fight for her.
We chat about watching all the TV series on the laptop together.
We chat about all the happy moments in the college.

Then he told to call my parents.

And I called my parents. And I talked to them. Not a single word about interview.
Normal talk.

and another round of coffee.
I became clam.
He told me, don't have an expectation.
Don't worry about result.
Talk to them, as if I am sitting in front of you, and you are talking to me.
Tell them, if you know the answers, and if you not, you don't have to be worried.

Still there was 0.5 hour.
I think, we have to go back, I told.
Then we returned back to the placement cell.
My turn, and next moment I was inside the hall, in front of 7 interviewer.

I wished them.
And for one second, i imagined, they are human too, they are like my friends, and they are not here to humiliate me, they are here to select me, and then i imagined the moment of watching the happiness on my parents face, when they got to know about my selection.

And I felt, my fears are turning to an ant size from a big monster.

YES! I HAVE WON MY FEARS.

YES! I HAVE RISEN ABOVE MY FEARS.

YES! I HAVE GOT SELECTED IN MY DREAM JOB.!

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why i cant say, I love you!!!!

Why I hesitate to talk to her, when she comes in front of me?
Why I can’t tell her directly when she comes and sit with me?
Why Is it so tough to tell her these three words?
Why I always think about her, when she is not around?
Why I try to steal her a look, when she goes with other girls, 
why my eyes fall on her?
Why I am waiting for her call whole night?
Why  became so excited about a smily, she just sent me as a reply ?
Why her all message are saved in my mobile, and I cant delete them?

She is friend, just friend.

But then why she comes in my thought? and make me laugh, make me cry, make me feel excited all the time?
she is not just a friend...
she means to me something else.....
she means to me more than just a friend......



When heart wanted to say many things, it doesn’t come to lips. He prohibits lips to say and himself enjoy the whole play.

 I wanted to say, I wanted to tell, and perhaps she wanted to listen, but whenever I go to her, I talk to her, I sit near her, I use to talk everything, but the main topic, the main line, which I have to tell, and I swear always that I would tell today, doesn’t come on tongue and I repent, when going away from her, that today also I couldn’t tell her, today I couldn’t express my feelings for her, make me restless and I am thinking all the night. I know she knows, I love her, I love her so much. But till when this process will go on!

Someday I have to make everything clear. Someday I have to tell her, that she is so much valuable for me. She was, from the first day, I have seen her, she is, when I know her fully, and she will, whether she will be mine or not.

Say Raj! Tell her, how much important she is for you, tell her, how much you love her……!

But why it doesn’t come from my mouth, I feel helpless to express my feelings. I don’t think I can express my feeling in words, and how much time it will take to say all.

She knows everything. Girls have third eyes for everything, specially, when someone is attempting on them, someone has soft corner for them. But what if, if she is not like others, what if, after telling her my feeling, she lessens talking to me, what if, after proposing her; it makes our friendship to a dead end. At least I have her as a good friend, maybe she will say yes, maybe she will not, and if she denies, relationship will be complex, quite complex, I will not able to talk her as the same friend, and neither I will see her as my love.

There is a fight going inside me. Just have courage and say her. And the rest is not in your hand.

No, let it go! Two chances, either I will get my love or I will loose a friend. Don’t mix friendship with love. But she was never my friend only. She was always my love, from the first day, from the first sight, I began to love her. But who knows, what she has feeling for me?

Alas! I would be a magician, who can read the thought of a person. It’s so easy. Be practical, use your brain. Just say her; just tell her, it’s so easy.

I was walking on my relling of the room and this question was striking my head, I was unable to make a decision, to propose her or not, am I ready to hear her response, whatever it is??

No, I am not! If she denies……….no…….! Why not? Don’t think…..!

Why not?

Think if she says yes!

Yes!!!!

OH god!! I will be happiest person of this world……!

I will be luckiest person of this world…..!

Two words, yes and no, and just simple words of three and two letters and they have power to change my life……!

Someday I will ask her…!

Someday I will say her all…..!

But when your someday will come Vikki?

When, it will come?

It will come…!

And I will tell her, how much I love her……!

And then she will say, she also loves me….!

who, I'm, a day dreamer..?????

 I was forcing myself very hard to listen to the teacher. I heard, he is explaining the working process of thermal power plant. Suddenly my eyes changed their direction from board to her, I was seeing her sideway, one lat of hair was coming again and again on her face, disturbing her. she was tucking it behind her ears and I was trying to hide my smile at the dare of her lat, who was having one work, to come in front of her face.

I saw, she is listening very attentively and was noting down in her note book, so beautiful handwriting!!

Pen was dancing in her soft fair hand with some bangles, creating a very slow rhythm

                                                      "music with writing"

                                                       "or musical writing"

                                                       "or magical writing"

I wished, I had been her pen, at least I would be in her soft hand. 

I observed her nails coloured with pink nail polish, pink bangles. 

I opened back side of my note book and began to draw her book, her pen, her beautiful soft hand…~and her ..lips ans her face!!!

Suddenly teacher shouted, “Where are you”.

I became attentive, thank god!!

He was shouting at Rajesh gupta, who is always busy in messaging her so many gfs, in class he messages, and out of class, his mobile is always at his ear, and whole day he talks, what, god knows, and he too has so many things to talk to them….!

I saw, she stopped, she stopped writing for a while, teacher was telling the need of ID fan for the poweplant, and she was listening very attentively. 

She does every work full heartily, may be its dance, study, or anything.

I saw,pen was going beyond his limit, he touched her pinkish lips and I can still observe how lucky he is, getting mark of her lipstick on his shining metal cap.

I breathed out, I am jealous to the fate of the pen, which becomes happy, laughs at me, and sometimes touches her lips too.

I wrote a caption below the sketch I made today:

I wished I had been “U”

Holding her b’ful hand,

Smiling, dancing,

At her command,

Yes! I am jealous!

I’m jealous at “U”

I sigh, wen I see “U”

Kissing her lips,

Pinky, rosy n thin.

I wished, I had been “U” Pen!!

 Doubt alias shivam gupta, who has doubt in everything, and who arises question everywhere, was sitting behind my chair, took my notebook, saw it for ten seconds and then said, “ wow! Pic and caption both are amazing”.

I took a relieving breath.

“but, I have a doubt”

“doubt and his limitless doubt, don’t eat my head”

“are you saying something?”

“no! u were saying”

“ohh! I have a doubt, who is she?”

“just an imagination”, I lied.

Then my notebook moved in to whole class room, from one hand to another, then finally to the other side of rows of chairs and then second row, where she is sitting along with other girls.

I saw, Swetha has taken my copy and showing her, she gazed at the sketch continuously, then looked at me, I was caught, I at once looked toward the board, then I saw towards her again like a thief.

“ufff!! They were looking towards me”

Swetha smiled. I saw she is still looking at me.

“has she realized, it’s her sketch, n lines…..!”

Then at the end of the class, I got out and like all day I was the last, behind everybody, walking alone.

I was thinking, “What she had been thinking about me after reading lines, she may have been happy, may be not, but her pinky rosy thin lips, and I couldn’t help me but smile.

"Vikki, wait!"

“ohhh! It was Swetha with her and they are coming towards me……my heart began to beat faster!

Is she angry?

Is she going to shout at me?

Swetha came near and then we three were walking together.

Swetha asked, “who I she, in today’s sketch”

“Just an imagination”, I told.

“Ohhho! really mere an imagination?” Swetha asked again.

"yes", i told,"don't you belive this"

What I should tell her…!when she knows it's her friend or my sweet heart's sketch.

I saw her, but there was no any reaction on her face, no change and this Swetha is teasing me continuously.

Ask her friend and tease her, why me…!

She asked for my note book and 1^st time she closely observed all my sketches.

And first time, she praised me.

“U make very b’ful sketches”

“but not b’ful as u”, slip of tongue, "ohhhh!! god!!"

But she smiled.

And I smiled too.

 And we were in front of my hostel, and I have to go to my hostel.

She waved her hand and said byeee…..!

I waved my hand too…..!

Today I became very happy. She responded to me, she talked with me after so many days and praised me.

I went to mess and in excitement I ate very less and came back to my room.

And I was smiling. I was happy.

I opened my notebook and again reiterated that poem” pinky, rosy and thin”

She is really b’ful and I love her, may be some day she will also love me….!

I smiled and thought, “That day will be the best day of my life when she will accept that she loves me also”

Dreams and human being!!!! he lives in dreams and try to chase up them, and so am I, chasing her, after all she is my dream, she is my dream girl, and I am enjoying  this all experiences of my life. I am sketching pictures and destiny is also making my life colourful and this shade of life is amazing, thinking about her, smiling at her response, looking, what she has dressed up today and how b’ful she is looking today.

"She comes in my thought,

And smiles comes on my lips,

She comes in front of me,

And my heart wants,

To See her always"

Am i day dreamer.....!!!!!

Look at me, Look at me once plz...with ur smiling face, i m dying to see that..!!!

She is listening attentively and I am watching her through the corner of my eyes.

I see the whole class, is someone watching me, looking at her? But everyone is busy in their own business.

I see people, some listening whole heartily to the teacher, some playing games on their mobile, some doing internet, some reading magazine and materials of CAT, IAS and many more. 

I should have do the same, but what I am doing? I try to listen to the teacher, and understand the reason of tube leakage and starvation inside the boiler, but hardly 2 minute and my heart, my mind, my body do revolt against me. My eyes deny my command of not looking towards her, my mind denies my command of not thinking about her, and again I am staring at her.

I am helpless. Three days have been passed and I have not got a single chance to talk to her, sometime I think, why I can’t able to talk to her, why I become silent, like she makes my mind blank and I am lost in her speaking eyes somewhere, why my heartbeat become fast, when she is nearby me and I begin to fight with myself.

She talks to Radhika and smiles and there is dimple in her cheeks. 

I got reason for my smile, she smiles and I smile, she looks so lovely, so cute, so innocent. when she smile, it’s like thousands of flowers are blossoming everywhere, it’s like hundreds of cuckoos are singing altogether, it’s like heaven is coming on the earth along with my angel, who is as innocent as a newly born child, and is as beautiful as a goddess of love.

I thought, someday she will smile for me, she will look at me with love in her eyes for me, she will say that I am yours. How 80 minutes passed, looking at her, thinking about her, and she has not seen towards me once. She is studying and I am thinking about her. She is writing and I am watching her. She is smiling and I am smiling with her.

 I say silently in my heart, look at me, look at me once. But she doesn’t look away from her notebook. I think, today class is worthless for me. But still I am saying, plz look at me once, and she just looks towards me for one second, but her response is blank, and again keeps her eyes on her notebook. 

No reaction, no smile, like she is ignoring me. Then she says something to pd and pd sees towards me and whispers with smile to her, something, which I was not able to listen and then she see me again and then both laugh and then they close their notebook and class become over and I get nothing about boiler and then both of them rushes very fast to the entrance of the classroom and thus another day is passed without talking to her. I come out and behind everyone; I walk to my hostel.